The Family Program: Parenting With Kindness, Compassion & Structure

Full disclosure – there is no book, class, movie or study that will prepare you for parenting. There are suggestions, ideas, outlines and blogs – ultimately this is a hands on job. Each and every child is born with their own unique personalities, needs & wants, and that is why every experience of parenting is a new frontier.

The best advice we received from our Lamaze instructor was applicable as each visit to the hospital began – take a good look around before you leave because life as you know it will never be the same. As a planner extraordinaire, each of my three children have taught me that there is no planning that will ever make parenting a follow the dots proposition. In fact my experience as a parent with each one of them was in essence them laughing in my face and challenging me to up my game. I assure you my husband felt the same way.

What I have found is that there are some concrete ideas that form the foundation for a family, once in place being consistent allows the room for all the creativity to flourish. Once your family has structure in place, you are all more confident in pushing boundaries a bit without fear. The most important part of parenting, starting out, is that you realize it is a lifetime commitment. If you don’t understand this before starting out you are like the bride who is all about the wedding, and didn’t give much thought to the marriage. Parenting is not for wimps, it is hard, it will kick your ass in ways you cannot imagine. It also has the miraculous ability to make every second of even the depths worth it when you get it right.

I think the reason I am ready to share this parenting book now is that I have three children I can now consider “fully baked”. They are all ready to head out on their own, and we are ready to let them do so. Along the way we have been told how “lucky” we were to have such “easy” kids. The Family Program will share just how much hard work, dedication, heartache and consistency went into making it look that easy. Most importantly, I am happy to share when I got it wrong. I think the unkindest thing you can do to a parent is to make them feel that everyone has it figured out except them. We are so tied into making sure that by all appearances we have it under control that we are afraid to admit that at times we have absolutely no idea what we are doing!

I want this book to serve as the kitchen table, the front stoop, the place where sharing happens and advice is given as it would be between family and friends. I want this book/blog/page to be a place to learn, to feel good about yourself and to raise kids who will grow up to make the world we live in a better place.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure!!! xo

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Diversity, Families & Crayola

When I am teaching The Family Program,  I am often asked what is the best age to start teaching about acceptance, at what grade should you introduce the concept of others in the world that are different from us. In actuality we all begin learning these values as soon as we start understanding communication, as we are taken out into the world, as we are introduced to the world around us.

The amount of information babies take in in their first year is astounding: the basics of who to trust, understanding what you need and how to get it, learning what makes you happy. The drive for information as children become verbal is like a thirst that cannot be quenched. We all start out like this – how we choose to continue, at what level we strive to learn more is directly affected by the response to our needs at this developmental time in our lives. A child that is listened to, has their questions answered and is engaged in activities at home and out in the world around them will thrive.

If you are wondering when to “start to teach” understanding about those different from ourselves, you have already missed many valuable opportunities. There may also be an underlying construct that “different” applies only to traits such as race, creed or sexual orientation. Children learn compassion and empathy when they understand that we are all different in many ways aside from the obvious – we have different feelings, gifts, talents and personalities. Learning to respect these differences in our homes sets the tone for a person who goes out into the world with an accepting attitude for all.

Every color in the world! Plus a built in sharpener!
Every color in the world! Plus a built in sharpener!

I remember clearly when our oldest daughter first asked about why people have different skin color. We were not in the city, or on vacation or watching something on tv – we were coloring together with the amazing box of Crayola 64s (with the sharpener built in!). Drawing a picture of our family – Mom, Dad & Jackie. She was about two and a half and wanted to know why she and Mommy were “peach” and Daddy was “sepia”.  My first reaction was confusion, then laughter. How perceptive that she knew that to make our family picture look like real life she needed to change crayons.  I remember sharing that the world is full of so many amazing colors that sixty four was just the beginning. That people, animals, flowers, the sky, water and so on and so on came in so many different colors that no one could name them all.

That lesson that the world contained more possible colors than even the Crayola 64 was huge for a little girl, and one we talk about to this day. It’s family lore!  On vacation I have been known to go from “peach” to “carnation” with too much sun, “apricot” with the right amount of sunscreen. Dad is “sepia” and can tan to “brown”.  Was that the moment she became aware that there was so much more to discover, who knows? I do know that a child growing up seeing the world as a wonderful canvas of color, rich with opportunity, is a good thing for all of us.

Limitless possibilities!
Limitless possibilities!

 

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Adam Grant, Selfishness, Generosity & Karma

I am a big fan of Adam Grant, especially his recent book Give and Take.  This morning Adam’s blog asks who is smarter – the selfish or the generous?

Interesting read. I find that many people that take a win at all costs, let’s turn every interaction into a contest of one upping stance never can get out of that loop. It is always the next deal, the next situation to take advantage of, the number of toys they have in relation to their closest competitor (sibling, family, friends, person at the gas station). These are also the folks that tend to judge kindness as naivety , generosity as stupidity and the choice of peace over fighting as weakness.

The sad outcome I have observed is that that lifestyle leads to stress, unhappiness, bad health, selfishness, and broken relationships. Just as there is always a next deal, there is always another person – friend, colleague, partner, spouse – if the current model doesn’t support your idea of self.

The most successful people I know in all aspects of their life learned early, and practice often, the concept of selfless giving. Whether to family, friends, colleagues, or strangers – giving of time, energy and talent is a foundation of their lives. The giving does not have judgement of status, payback or publicity – they give whenever they can because it is the right thing to do. They will give the hand up, the atta boy/girl, the introduction, the opportunity because it feels good, because they can.

These success stories do include people who have achieved great success materially, who have made true change in their field, and who are considered incredibly smart (if not brilliant on a good day).

The selfish or the generous – perhaps both do arrive at the same finish line in the big picture. Maybe, if you judge by those with the most toys, you might be more inclined to see the person who follows the “me first” motto as a clear winner. However, I believe the quality of a generous life versus a selfish life is richer. I wholeheartedly believe in Karma, and I know that the intangible rewards of a life of kindness, compassion and service directly lead to a life of abundance, freedom and creativity.

Hearts & Peace, Chuang Yen Monastery, Carmel, NY
Hearts & Peace, Chuang Yen Monastery, Carmel, NY

 

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Families Dealing With Tragedy: How To Try To Make Sense of the Senseless

I received an email last night from a mom asking for help in dealing with the news of the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. She was devastated herself, and didn’t know how to answer her young children’s questions about what happened or address their fears. How do you make sense of the senseless? How do you explain the presence of God in such a Godless act? I have been trying for over twenty four hours to find the words that might be of some help, to be present to my families in a meaningful way. There are no words, there is no simple way to process this tragedy and make it okay.

What follows is the lesson I would share if The Family Program were able to meet today. I hope it is helpful and comforting. As always this is my attempt to model for parents ideas of how to teach their children. Each family is unique and I believe parents have within them the gift to know what is best for their children. In my search for wisdom, the most meaningful words for me come from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians: “If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing.” Speak from the heart, speak with love and your words will be the right ones.

These families in a small Connecticut town most likely never imagined that such violence would ever visit them. Sandy Hook Elementary School seemed to be a wonderful environment for learning, staffed by caring people who had as recently as this year instituted new parameters for safety at their schools and were in a state of compliance and readiness. To some degree these factors intensify the anxiety of parents, of human beings, even more so. When you are doing everything right, when you work as a community to provide the best resources for your children to learn in a nurturing, safe environment how can things go so terribly wrong.

Over the past two days I have listened to many professionals in law, psychology and religious studies offer their best advice about how to address the attack on an elementary school in a seemingly idyllic setting. The consensus of this group is to answer only what is asked, let the child lead the discussion, and reassure that this is a singular event. As a generalization, these suggestions are fine and appropriate; however, no one who is in the position of trying to comprehend this atrocity and answer children’s questions about it finds these suggestions sufficient. As a trained marriage and family therapist I know these are the clinically correct responses, as a person and a parent it is not enough. The challenge and heartbreak is that there are no correct answers, there are no words that will ever make this okay, and there is no way to make sense of the senseless.  If we cannot wrap our own minds around what has happened in Newtown, how can we process it, explain it and make it okay for our children? If this horror shakes us at our very core and awakens every anxiety we have about safety personally,for our families, and those we love and care about how can we possibly find a way to communicate that everything is fine?

The questions that seem to be top of mind are as follows:

  • Why did this happen?
  • Why did that man want to kill those people?
  • Why did God let this happen?
  • Did this happen because those children/people were bad?
  • Can this happen to me?
  • Can this happen at my school/workplace?

While I defy anyone to answer any of these questions with absolute certainty, I can offer some suggestions as to how to best approach this conversation. I will try my best to offer advice as to how to speak with your children about tragedies that they are confronted with, keep in mind that these approaches are also often helpful in trying to process events ourselves. The first two points the professionals make are valid in that you should try to give short, specific answers to what the child is asking. Sometimes we over explain in the hope that we are covering all of the bases and giving the best information – when we do this we run the risk of providing too much information and perhaps adding to the stress and anxiety the child is feeling by introducing factors they were not previously considering.  We need to let the children lead the conversation in that often they need to take a small amount of information and process it before they can ask another question or take in more information. We can also guide the conversation to this singular event and use reminders that this is a unique situation and not one that should be expected in their own lives/schools/families. That being said, we are truly not addressing some of the larger questions, and by avoiding those questions we are avoiding an opportunity to share the comfort that faith can provide. For the very best definition of faith is to believe in something we cannot see, feel or prove but yet know to be true. In moments such as this when we are challenged to make sense of the senseless, faith may be our way to move forward.

  • Why did this happen? – While we can never understand something this horrible we do know that humans can make very bad choices. Sometimes because they are sick, sometimes because they are not loved, sometimes because they are so angry and hurt that they cannot see clearly. This act of violence had nothing to do with the victims, but had everything to do with the horrors inside this young man. All tragedies that happen when someone exerts violence on someone else comes from that place inside them where these factors exist and never, ever are the fault of the victim. Often the person who does such a thing doesn’t know the person they hurt, nothing the victim did or didn’t do made this happen.
  • Why did that man want to kill those people? – We honestly don’t know, and may never know the answer to this question. This young man had anger, hurt, rage and confusion inside him and it came out in this very horrible way. When people are in that place they act without thinking – he acted out because of what was inside him and not because of anything those children or adults did or didn’t do.
  • Why did God let this happen? – One of the hardest things that children and adults struggle with is the idea of free will, that we in our humanity are capable of making choices on our own regardless of the impact on ourselves or others. If we could understand this clearly as adults, perhaps it might be easier to explain to children. The basic concept that God created all and allows all to exist, rightly or wrongly, directed by their own free will is a higher thinking, abstract theory. It calls us to move beyond what many often blame on God, or use God to support their own beliefs and prejudices and asks us to take responsibility for our own actions. On a higher thinking level we believe in God, or an all encompassing being of creation, and accept that there have been lessons for us to follow to be good, kind, compassionate people who live in service to others. This is the faith I know, this is the faith I teach. This faith allows for acceptance of all, respect for all and forgiveness without expectation. If we can find a way to accept this in our hearts, we can then explain in a simple way that God creates and loves, but allows humans to make their own choices. When these choices are bad or evil, God does not stop them in the same way that God does not take credit for the good and brave choices people make. We are all offered the same choices and lessons, what we do with them is essentially up to us.
  • Did this happen because those children/people were bad? – These children and adults were not killed because they were bad or did anything wrong. Their families were not bad or did anything wrong. This happened because of the anger, illness, hurt and confusion within one young man.
  • Can this happen to me?  Can this happen at my school/workplace? – People die when they are very old, very sick or when there is a terrible accident/incident. The reason why this is so very horrible because it is so very rare to hear about someone doing this. We shouldn’t expect that this will happen to us, to our school or to someone we know and love. We may be afraid thinking about this, and it is normal to have fear and anxiety about the “what ifs”, but in time we will begin to trust that the people in our lives are doing all they can to keep us safe. Children can’t really grasp statistical data, and when adults are faced with tragedies such as this it is hard to distance the reality enough to be analytical. The true answer to this question is yes, it can happen to any of us. The reality is that the probability of it happening is very small. Right now the hurt, fear and sadness is too palpable and too fresh for us not to be fearful. Time and ritual are two healing factors that allow us to begin to lessen fear and anxiety. This week will be a rough one, hold each other close and allow one another to know that despite the fear there is love and faith that things will be okay. As humans that is really all we have in terms of guarantees.

While we feel the need to hold on tight and not let each other out of sight, healing begins by moving forward. Fear is lessened by being brave despite what you know. Acting on behalf of change, of making things better, of changing laws and standing up to ingnorance allows us to become strong again. Most importantly we need to express our love for each other, be kind to each other and be forgiving towards each other. Realizing that every day is a gift and believing that each of our lives, regardless of how long we live, is our time on earth to make a difference will allow us begin to live again not in fear but in love and purpose.

 

 

 

 

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